Some days are just harder than others

Yesterday was a blue dot day. Barely. I went over my points by 5 and got further into the weeklies. And I knew as I ate the UTZ pretzels I was undoing all my willpower. Grr. I hate that I do it but it is so much a routine to snack when I get home. Today I am going to be stronger than that pull of snacking.
Faith: Turning your life over to God or another higher power
This is a tough one because I'm A-OK with a higher power being my guide but I'm a firm believer in free will. I take responsibility for my choices, like the UTZ pretzels, and I can't blame anyone but myself. Now, if it means that the high power is a means to tranquility without a brownie, then I can work with that. Since it is a matter of interpretation, then I'm going with tranquility instead of food as my goal.
So work is a subject I rarely touch on because it really isn't mine anymore. I retired Sept 1 and am working until the end of June, at the very latest. I threw out the option of semi-retired and that option was embraced at first and now dead silence, like they really don't want me. Being fat messes with the response to other people's actions, and I know that. So I asked a friend how they'd read the situation and he said that would be how he reads it too. So starting early January, I am going to look for a stay at home part time job. I'm a good database manager but do I want to do that? My perfect world is that I could get me longarm quilting business off the ground. I'm just lost on how to do that. I don't know how to price my work and how to get clients. Any ideas??? Me neither.
Speaking of longarm work, I created a cool design for a Christmas panel.

I love how it turned out. I first tried (3X) to stitch it on my embroidery machine but it is too big and required 16 rehoops. So DH suggested using the longarm (it is computerized) and I LOVE it! I'm thinking I could do some birthday, Valentine, Halloween, Thanksgiving, 4th of July and put them on Etsy. I think I need to do this, not just wish for it.

There is a part of me that wonders if my work life stopped bugging me so much that I'd stop reach for comforting chocolate. Goals for first quarter of 2020 is to put my resume out on some flex job sites, put an ad in the Pacific NW quilter newpaper and set up an Etsy store. The goal of self honest MUST continue into 2020 because I am liking myself more, even when I overeat because I'm acknowledging that I made a choice.

Three Days of Being Off Track and Yesterday I gave Points Back

I actually gave two points back yesterday. I wish I felt like the slide was just a mini skid but the munching devil is showing its ugly head. It doesn't help I am hungry and there are Christmas snacks in the office. I'm at my desk dreaming of the snacks. They aren't even all that interesting but they call my name. I wish that wasn't the case but like other wishes, I know when it comes to food, I will be dreaming of sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies, cake, ice cream, bread, and all the other yummies out there.
Now on to step 2 of the OE pillars. Hope: Believing that a higher power can help you obtain control over your addictions.
Hmm, I certainly hope and wish that a higher power can help me. That said, I do believe that I am in control. People who just say that God is in control and they have no say drive me nuts. Again, that said, I close my eyes and ask Mother Earth, God, Buddha to give me all the strength I need to win this battle. To me it is a battle. And I want to win and a higher power is welcome to help me fight. Because of self-honesty, I can't say this pillar is accomplished. But I certainly hope their is a higher spirit that can fortify my will power.

Talk About Teeter-Totters

Last week I was cruising on all cylinders, right on track and not tempted by much. Fast forward to the weekend and yesterday. I wasn't close to my point allotment. I used the majority of my weekly points over the weekend. Yesterday I got a new set of points, and poof, a majority gone. I have loads and loads of fitness points but you definitely can't exercise poor eating away. I'm living proof of that saying.
I just am starting to think I will never, ever have an easy time of maintaining weight loss.It will be a step forward and then a step backwards. I wish I would make progress to lose what I'd re-gained but I can't say that I am. I think I'm lower than at the beginning of November and in two week and a couple days, I will know if my experiment worked. That said, Christmas will be a mess. I can feel my resolve faltering. Hell, I got a jump start on it this weekend. And I dove straight in yesterday.
Sometimes I just can't stand myself, that I am so weak willed. On the plus side, I know I am not alone in that feeling. All the WW connectors, all the drug addicts, alcoholics, gamblers, know the issue. Addiction, whether food, drugs, alcohol, gambling, heck even shopping, is not possible to eradicate. It must be put in control because the temptation is always there. 
From Overeaters Anonymous:

The 12 steps as defined by Overeaters Anonymous and their corresponding spiritual ideals are as follows:

Honesty: Admitting you are powerless over foodHope: Believing that a higher power can help you obtain control over your addictionFaith: Turning your life over to God or another higher powerCourage: Creating a personal moral inventoryIntegrity: Admitting to God, yourself and others that you have made mistakes and admitting the exact nature of those mistakesWillingness: Being ready to ask God to remove the flaws you found in your personal moral inventoryHumility: Asking God for help in dealing with your flawsSelf-discipline: Making a list of all the people you have hurt and asking them to forgive youLove: Making amends to the people you have hurt except in cases where making amends would hurt them even morePerseverance: Continuing to take personal moral inventories and making changes to your life as neededSpiritual awareness: Working to improve your relationship with God and praying to understand his will for your lifeService: Carrying this message to other people who are addicted to food so they can learn how these principles may change their livesI think it is time to explore these 12 steps. Starting with today, #1, honest. I can and do admit I am powerless with food. It calls me with it's pretty looks, tempting smells, amazing tastes, sizzling sounds and textures. Yes, all 5 senses render me powerless over food. I fight my demons, yet they dog every one of my steps. Tomorrow, I tackle Hope.

Struggles

So I didn't really have a topic in my journal today since I am on track and staying that way. Then I came up with what I am still (probably always will) struggle with. Morning munchies. I don't do well at work in the mornings. Sometimes it feels like I have to have my jaw going on something. My lucky pup has non-caloric chew toys. I should borrow one. Not. I'm better in the afternoon but as soon as I get home from work, I want a couple pretzels or M&Ms. Calorie wise, it isn't many or very many points, but they can add up and I wish I didn't feel the need to find a snack. I'd go fruit or carrots but considering the bathroom effects on an already messed up system, it is a bad choice.
Still struggling with my body image. Eating healthy definitely did an instant boost but nothing past the initial boost.
Moments of my shoulder telling me it isn't fair I can't enjoy holiday goodies. Or that XXX can eat anything and never gain a pound.
As I write these I know that these things will always push to sabotage me. Maybe identifying them will help me ignore the constant devil on my shoulder.

Reflecting on Self-Honesty

So I'm about a month into my vow to be honest with myself, especially in regards to my eating lifestyle, WW. First, has it been tempting to fudge my nibbles? Yes it has. But from my past experience, that leads to guilt and then often emotional eating.  Oh, then more guilt. More nibbles. You get the point. So self-honesty? I've got to say it works. I'm in control of my eating and my thoughts. What a novelty. Yesterday I had a handful of pretzel nuggets I hadn't tracked. My WW message had a rollover of 3 points. I looked at it and said, nope and went back and fixed yesterday's record. There is a certain amount of cleansing with that.
I admit there are days I want to weigh in to check on progress but I am going to make my resolve to wait until Jan. 2nd. Part of is not to let the scale beat me up and another part is using it to keep the holiday tracks on my chosen lifestyle and not leave me cast along side of the road. And thank you to my dermatologist office for not making me weigh in last week. I really didn't want to explain not wanting to know, especially when it wasn't the weigh in time of my day (no clothes, first thing in the morning).
So between the last two paragraphs, there is a hint of my issues -> environment playing mind games. The scale always plays with my mind. "Why bother" "Yay a loss" "I didn't deserve to gain" "If I've gained, then I should just eat and make it enjoyable"./ Any of these self-defeating statements apply??? The other environment is little lies derail me more than a co-worker offering me snacks, a candy dish on the way to the rest room, etc.
So I'm going strong and want to stay that way. Hell, I even told my BFF when she asked about a hooky trip from work to SBux that I just really want to stay on plan and not use Sbux points on my daily allotment. So not only am I being honest with myself, I've started being honest of my needs with my inner circle. When I lost all the weight two years ago, I did it without involving my DH because he worked swing shift and me days. Now he is retired and is the chief cook. In the past week, I have been saying things like "No that doesn't fit in my points budget" or "The sweet potatoes are too big. Do you want to split one or have one and a half?" Actually I had the whole thing since I found a small on in the bag. But the point is that I was standing up for what I need to be successful. Both DH and BFF were totally behind me to help. Who knew that was possible?

TGIF And being On Track

I love Fridays. Actually more than Saturdays because I like the anticipation of weekend. So I have nothing, nada planned for the weekend. I love it. I think I will wrap my Christmas gifts and quilt. And not munch on snacks all weekend. Maybe there will be snow at Crater Lake and we could go snow shoeing. That would be fun!
Blue dot days with WW. The self-honesty pledge has been going well. I remember when I first started WW in desperation reading on Connect someone posting that when you don't track every bite, you are only cheating yourself. I forgot that for a while. I like putting the bites down whether I stay in my points or not. Yesterday I was a point over and I was fine with that. I didn't put a point down for the spice cake bit I had at SBux on Wednesday. Pausing here to correct that...OK one less rollover point. Still a blue dot week!
I found Mrs. Butterworth Sugar Free Syrup on Monday and tried it on a pannacuchen this morning. It was awesome. 1/4 cup for 1 point. So my 1/2 Tbsp was 0 points. YAYAYAY! I tried it the other day in oatmeal and that was great. Same day I found clearance frozen turkeys for $0.68 pound so I bought a couple (and one for $0.98/pound). Tomorrow we're cooking one so yay for low point turkey. Traveling on T-day meant no leftovers and turkey is my very favorite food.
Yay weekend is just around the corner!

Not Quite What I Planned But So Much Better

My plan had been to have a perfect travel long weekend with WW blue dot days. Yeah, that didn't work. Thanksgiving was perfect. I even had 3 points roll over. Then Friday hit with skiing road travel stopped at Donner Summit (1.5 hour drive was 5 hours). The M&Ms were opened. Enough said. Saturday travel was boring and the M&Ms weren't gone. Yay, they still aren't gone so that's ok. Sunday was back on track as a blue dot day. What I did accomplish was leaving 7 weekly points in my app and today is a new week and not one eaten fit point. So I'd give myself a B+. Now a break to Christmas difficulties and then New Years.
Jan. 2 is weigh in day. Its been hard to not search for the scale. But I didn't ask for it back because I am on a quest. The plus side of not weighing and just staying on track is that I will eat foods that give me water weight gain the night before my weigh in day. That freedom is wonderful.
I have been getting the 10K+ steps per day regardless of the stupid ankle. I had an honest self-chat and realized that I would not want surgery (at this point) to fix it so I will keep doing the PT exercises and hope it gets stronger and is just a mild irritant like it was before the latest rolling.
Skiing was scary. So many people on one run. Four runs and done. Can't say I'd want to repeat it but I'm glad we went.
Finding Connect better these days since I realized I was only seeing "trending" posts. New posts are lost and is the reason that I don't get comments. By clicking on the New option, I'm seeing more realistic posts. Not all the golden stars with their perfection. I like it so much more now.

Progress Continues

Friday and I will be going over my 30 points but staying in the blue dots. Yay! Burger Friday evening. Good day and so glad I’m working from home next week. Turned in my position proposal and maybe I will be a telecommuter in a few months. Yay.

Yesterday I actually posted a Connect post. I’m not going to bother again. Not one comment. It is a weird space but I do like reading other posts. I doubt I will comment any more either. It does hurt the feelings when the “in crowd” gets thousands of posts and the rest are ignored. So I say screw it. I have my blog journal and if someone reads it, cool. If not, I don’t care. It is for me.

Electrical problems overnight and sleepus interuptus over and over again. So I slept in a bit and didn’t exercise. And no exercise this evening. I am not caring. And my ankle is doing well. I stopped the ibuprofen this afternoon. Yay! Time to check when Northstar opens.

Where's My Scale?

Of course I know where my scale is, sort of. I know DH hid it for me. But I will say that being on track and nearly angelic, it is hard to not want the "reward" of seeing the scale proclaiming success. Or in the case why I had him take it away, failure. I need to learn to just be with the concept this is my lifestyle. I eat responsibly and no other factor for "rewards" matters. Knowing that I am doing what keeps me healthy should be my reward. Perhaps I need to start chanting it. "I am keeping my health. I am keeping my health/" Maybe soon that will be enough.
On the flip side, it is nice to know that having salty foods won't make me mad the next morning. There is a freedom with that concept. I know my bras are fitting better so at the least, I know I am no longer gaining.
Mind games are interesting when you look at them objectively. I needed a scale fix and why, a reward. Stupid thought process. So it is interesting. I don't hear back from my boss so I figure they don't want me services beyond June 2020. I guess he could be busy but it starting to seem that is the case. Starting Jan 2020, I will begin to look for a telecommuting position because this job has lost its charm.
As an update, I have used my elliptical (really mild resistance) two days in a row while my ankle heals. I've also done the PT exercises because I hate not having my 10K steps per day. Hate hate hate it. At least I'm getting some exercise. Yesterday I did all the strength workout except the curtsy squats and the plies. Those used too much ankle strength. And calf raises were will mostly one leg. At least my left leg will be ready for the ski season.

Just When I Find My Groove

I am on day 14 of being on track, staying in my points and meeting my goals. Mostly. More on that late. So I should be happy but my gorgeous Kiki Bear, 6 month old puppy tiptoed up behind me and laid down yesterday. When I stepped backward, I rolled my ankle again and it was painful. Sinking to the floor painful. So no way is 10K steps allowed. My foot was finally getting a little better. So it is braced and propped up. Poor Kiki knew she caused my pain and was a lap dog the rest of the evening. I was going to do at least the strength training the morning but since I slept like crap, I just lollygagged in bed this morning. But enough on that. I will decide sometime soon if I need to go to the dr. But since it is a reinjury from 2 years ago, I already know what to do.
I am making good choices these days. I have the munchies but either quash them or track them. I am definitely happy with my progress to get on plan. Yesterday's munchies were grapes and I just shouldn't buy them, regardless they are 0 points. They have cals and I just want to eat them. Which has more calories, a grape or an M&M? I think I should Google it.OK, 2 cals in a grape and an M&M 3 calories. I guess the grape is still a better choice.
I didn't practice the oboe or piano this weekend. I don't know why I have trouble with that on weekends. I'd think that I could practice since I have more time. Didn't thankful journal this weekend but I did just now. 😂 But what I did do was stay on points and get me steps (pre sprained ankle).
So now the hard part. No exercise and lose weight? I don't think that will work. I've got to figure something out. Bike?

Finding the Groove. Again...

I wish the title's second sentence wasn't true. I wish I could maintain like a normal slender person. But no, I regain weight and go back down. Yo-yo dieting is bad and I know that. But that is my life. I shoulds just don't equate to I do. So here I am with my short two month plan to go through the holiday's without gaining more weight and intending to lose weight.

• I had DH remove the scale (regardless that WW wants a daily weigh in. Beyond the scale should mean beyond the scale. I am moving beyond the scale. Jan 2 will be weigh in day.
• I will track my food every F-in day
• I will eat my points in the blue zone (WW staying in range) at least 6 or 7 days
• I will will leave 2/3 of my weeklies on the table, so to speak, and not touch my fit points.
• I will reach 10K steps every day barring any nasty cold/flue virus attacking my will to move
• I will continue to drink 80 oz water per day. Look at the streak since April 1 (minus the one 72 oz day)
• I will express thanks to those around me
• I will journal my thanks a few times a week. Daily would be better.
• I will practice the piano 105 minutes per week (15 per day or nearly 2 hours in one sitting)
• I will practice the oboe 5 minutes 4 days per week (not good enough to do longer without my mouth and lungs exploding)

Go Husky-Girl Go! I can do this and I will do this.

Yesterday was a Success Despite the Scale

It's the self talks that do me in. The a bite here and there aren't important, the "that looks like 3 oz" when it isn't. So yesterday, when the scale went up significantly after 10 days of being good and on plan (I know I was good because I'm forcing myself to be really honest with myself on all choices), it was very discouraging. I mean, what are my choices when the scale goes up inexplicably? Feed my frustration with snacking? To an objective outsider, I can see where that makes absolutely no sense. But to an emotional eater, it makes a lot of sense. How many have had the self conversations "Well if I'm going to gain weight, I might as well make it enjoyable and eat". I'm guessing there are a lot of us out there. So I stood strong and persevered. I even had a point rollover. Since my goal this week is to have 2/3 of my weekly points left at the close of my WW week, I think I am on track. I have 41 points as of today and the goal is 23 points remaining. Success on my mini goal is on track.
I have a happiness journal but don't write in it very often. I slack on it. Then again, I slack on a lot of things I should be doing. My weak ankle needs the PT exercises I learned 2 years ago. I need to practice my piano more often and I need to start working on the oboe again. I need to seems to be a common thread. I have played the piano two days in a row and I found a built in tracker in ForScore. So that should keep me in line with that. Another goal? How about something easy to achieve? Practice 15 minutes 5 times a week? Another need to is flexibility and balance exercise. I've successfully added strength workouts 3 times a week and I'm getting 10K+ steps per day. But yoga is boring and I find reasons not to do it. Maybe it would be a good thing to add after work. Along with everything else. Clearly I am too busy to work. I need to be retired. 225 days and decreasing unless I become semi-retired.

Grrr. Love Being Good And Scale Going Up

Yep, the title of the post is sarcasm. Over a week of on track points and I have gained 2 pounds. How does one want to be good when the effect is the opposite of what should happen? I'm going with water and that all the prior overeating is now catching up with me. I have decided that I will weigh in in two weeks so that scale's non-progress does not derail me. I need to be on track and if flinging the damn scale out the window is the key, then I will do that. I know in my heart and brain I have been good and on track. Hence self honesty.
Good workout this morning. Mild to moderate on the aerobics but did the full round of strength training. I guess I am strong on the inside and mushy on the outside. Come to think of it, I've had some peaches like that. I guess I am just peach. Hahahahaha!!!

Weight Watchers New Plans

So yesterday I learned another change was coming to WW. When I saw the email, DH actually said, "They're changing it again?" I opened the app and to my surprise, they wised up and gave their diverse members 3 plans to choose from. I was so HAPPY when they put back Smart Points. I never left SP to freestyle because of the list of allergens that were to make up the 7 less points, but I had to REALLY manipulate the program, foods and recipes. Now I can just use the foods as in the app. Thank you WW for making my life easier. One side note, there are still lots of members that loved Points Plus, lost a lot of weight with it and you are losing them. There are apps out there that you can set points plus as your plan and use them. Boom, my WW stock goes down with a long time member giving up on the plan.
But for me, I am happy. I got my plan back so it is easy to track. And track I did . I have been on the wagon for a week and a day. All days but last Monday when I'd already had too many points by lunch was at 39 points. The rest of the week were blue dot days. What a sense of relief to not feel out of control. I was way out of control and now I am back in line.
I have a goal. An achievable but difficult goal. I want to always have 2/3 of my weekly points remaining at the end of a week. I think going for 100% is putting myself in for failure. But a little leeway and rollover points make it doable. Now, I am a horse and carrot person. I need to think of a non food reward on Jan 2 when I succeed. What will that be other than the %$^$%^^%*& scale moving in the correct direction?
On Friday I made an offer to not be 100% retired but 65% retired if I can work from home and do only the parts of my job that I really like (aka data work - the reason I went into database management). If my employer agrees, come Jan 1st I will have less income but will be infinitely more happy. I'm an eat when bored type of person and I can't be bored at home. I have too many fun things to do to be bored. At work I am often bored and another trigger, frustration, is rampant. So, if they agree, I will continue to work and won't have to build my quilting business overnight. We shall see.

At the win or lose stage

I've been on track and living the WW plan for 3 days. This is a point I tend to ease up. Not this time. I really want to lose what I gained. I still see a fatso in the mirror and I want that weight gone. I thought of a chocolate chip cookie and truly, honestly didn't want one. Could it be that I'm making progress? I hope so but I must stay vigilant. The devil on my should is always poking me with its stupid pitch fork.
This morning I went with my losing breakfast of a protein smoothie. OK I know that WW says you have to count the fruits as points in a smoothie because of some halfa$$ reason (time to finish). But since I sip it for hours, it lasts me way longer than a handful of strawberries. My jarrows unflavored whey protein, water and an orange crush (koolaid) with ice make a great snack that lasts all morning. Morning munchies are my downfall.
Being honest with myself and the non-looked at blog 😉, I like this new mindset. Not the why, the how but the truth in my own head. Perhaps I will be strong enough not to be derailed. I say perhaps because I have been derailed so often in the past year, that I know I am weak. But I also know I am not alone in that weakness.

Exercise Isn't Difficult. Not munching is near Impossible Day 3

I admit it. I like exercising. I love movement. Dancing, skiing, walking, exercise videos, biking. It is all good. I average well over 10K steps per day. But I gain weight.
Why?
Because I munch. At work when I'm bored, I want something to put in my mouth. Nearly anything will do. I HATE that!!!!
That said, I am actually still motivated. I'm on day 3 and that is something. There are moments I feel that deep conviction I felt when I lost weight. Do you know that feeling? Knowing deep in your gut that no one and nothing will derail you. I haven't felt that in a long time. I will conquer the weight I regained and get back to where I felt pretty.
Yes, felt pretty. I know that isn't politically correct but I want that feeling. Whether or not I was pretty or whether or not I am pretty now is inconsequential. It is how I feel in my own skin. Right now, I feel like a blob and I know in my head I am not. I wouldn't be so fit if I was a blob. But again, it doesn't matter if it is true or not. It is how I feel. And since feelings are what I eat, that is important. Keep in mind I despise body shamers but I seem to be okay with myself shaming just myself. WW saying I should be my own friend did make an impression as when I am negative about myself, their angel on my shoulder tells me to be nice to myself. But I think when you have chosen self-honesty as your weight loss/maintain motto, self calling a spade a spade is okay. At this point, saying "I am beautiful just as I am" isn't totally true and not totally a lie. It is somewhere in between. I, though, am for self-honesty and I KNOW I am not as beautiful as I was a year ago.

Still honest and pretty much on track

Yesterday when honesty bit me in the butt and I decided to get back on the wagon, I didn't feel really confident I would follow through. But here I am, 24 hours later, following later. I want this again. I don't even want a chocolate chip cookie. There - that is real progress. The candy bowl in my building isn't even looking tasty. I really, really want this. Like I did when I started in July 2017. I am going to make goal again and I am going to stay there!

I want. I can. I will.

Honest in My Brain is Best Policy

Honest in My Brain is Best Policy
How many times have I let the devil on my shoulder con my brain into ignoring the truth. I'm a very honest person except with myself. "Only one bite doesn't need tracking", "I don't care", "It was a half cup" when it was clearly a whole cup, or any of the rest of my self lies. And why do that? Really, why? Who am I hurting by sneaking food here and there?
ME!
And Only Me!
So my policy when I rejoined WW was I would be honest in my head. As honest as I am to everyone else. It is funny that if someone I trust asked me how many points I had this weekend, I would say 66 and 60 (approximately on the tracking because I did it after the fact and I was a munch head through and through). But what do I tell myself? "Well I wasn't too bad". Bull, I was a pig. And I do not care if WW says to be your own best friend. My besties would buy me the cookie and maybe two. So that just doesn't work. I have to face the truth that I have eaten like a pig and work to not do that.
My resolve has been to be honest in my brain and to track whether I like the final number (a subset of being honest to myself).
To be honest with myself and my blog, I am pleased that I am doing that because it is hard to quit if I'm being honest with myself. I do care and I want to stop gaining weight. And next Monday I will be honest with my WW weigh in and actually weigh in.

Struggled. Cookies are yummy. And evil.

Visitors for the weekend made being "good" hard. I was way better than the last visit but not perfet like when I lost weight on Weight Watchers two years ago. Man, it is hard to believe it was two years ago! Anyway, I would say overall I' am doing better. But I'm not doing as good as I need to. There is a part of me that is ok with just being ok, not perfect. I know I will go off track this coming weekend. Should I be good all week with that knowledge or just continue to to struggle since it is hard to get back on track? I just really don't know.

Yay a day 2

So I'm posting on day 2 of caring. I won't say I was on track either day 1 or 2 but all the food is the tracked and it isn't nearly as bad as the rest of the last month.
Thankfulness: I am thankful for Kiki. She has helped fill the hole in my heart after Kai left me and went to the Rainbox bridge. I miss her so freakin' much. But Kiki, she is a snuggle pup, funny, sweet and a little LS. I swear she channels Kai. I am thankful for my celtic knot finally starting to work. The design it working and tomorrow it will be perfect. I am thankful for Roxie and Maya making me smile at their beauty. Both internal and external. I am so blessed by puppies.

And when everybody else was having dessert I said no to the points and calories. 
WW - I am glad I am still trying and trying and trying. I made my steps and am ready for bed. I will make tomorrow even better. And if I don't, I will track it all.

Wow I am so lost

Apparently 9 years and a month ago I wrote that I had gained 10 pounds back of my 75 pound lost. If only had been vigilante like I said I'd be in that post. If only I didn't gain it all back and lose it again through Phen Fen and then gain it back again. Lost it again through Weight Watchers. Now I've regained about 20 pountds. Who knows since I won't weigh in. I have become a liar to myself.

Thankfully I'm still a WW member but I am not finding connect to be helpful. I'd have thought all the success stories would make me motivated but lately it has the opposite effect. I feel like a loser in the worst sense of the word. I couldn't maintain being successful. Once I reached my goal I wasn't interested anymore. It wasn't new and fun. Now it is old and drudgery.

I am a carb-o-holic, sneak eater, and a liar to myself. Two days ago I started admitting truths to myself. My bras were uncomfortable, I have to get my bigger clothes out, that my obsession with leggings isn't because I need really stretchy clothes. Admission doesn't mean it pushed me back on track. I honestly don't know what will.

I am so unhappy with my job, my body, my thoughts. I can do better but I'm not. I am a lucky person. Really I am. I have the best hubby, have amazing dogs (and dog angels), yet I am bored with who I am. My job ends in 345 days, thank god, devil, angels, whoever. I just hate being here. But then the financial stress will start. What should I do about it?

Apparently eat my worries.

That just can't be my answer anymore. I am a pretty girl who is smart and creative. But I wallow in my weight yo-yos.

I would promise I will be on track but I break my promises to myself these days. I hate liars and I'm lying to myself.

So my promise isn't to be on track but to continue to tell myself the truths. Lying to myself is only hurting me.