Some days are just harder than others

Yesterday was a blue dot day. Barely. I went over my points by 5 and got further into the weeklies. And I knew as I ate the UTZ pretzels I was undoing all my willpower. Grr. I hate that I do it but it is so much a routine to snack when I get home. Today I am going to be stronger than that pull of snacking.
Faith: Turning your life over to God or another higher power
This is a tough one because I'm A-OK with a higher power being my guide but I'm a firm believer in free will. I take responsibility for my choices, like the UTZ pretzels, and I can't blame anyone but myself. Now, if it means that the high power is a means to tranquility without a brownie, then I can work with that. Since it is a matter of interpretation, then I'm going with tranquility instead of food as my goal.
So work is a subject I rarely touch on because it really isn't mine anymore. I retired Sept 1 and am working until the end of June, at the very latest. I threw out the option of semi-retired and that option was embraced at first and now dead silence, like they really don't want me. Being fat messes with the response to other people's actions, and I know that. So I asked a friend how they'd read the situation and he said that would be how he reads it too. So starting early January, I am going to look for a stay at home part time job. I'm a good database manager but do I want to do that? My perfect world is that I could get me longarm quilting business off the ground. I'm just lost on how to do that. I don't know how to price my work and how to get clients. Any ideas??? Me neither.
Speaking of longarm work, I created a cool design for a Christmas panel.

I love how it turned out. I first tried (3X) to stitch it on my embroidery machine but it is too big and required 16 rehoops. So DH suggested using the longarm (it is computerized) and I LOVE it! I'm thinking I could do some birthday, Valentine, Halloween, Thanksgiving, 4th of July and put them on Etsy. I think I need to do this, not just wish for it.

There is a part of me that wonders if my work life stopped bugging me so much that I'd stop reach for comforting chocolate. Goals for first quarter of 2020 is to put my resume out on some flex job sites, put an ad in the Pacific NW quilter newpaper and set up an Etsy store. The goal of self honest MUST continue into 2020 because I am liking myself more, even when I overeat because I'm acknowledging that I made a choice.

Three Days of Being Off Track and Yesterday I gave Points Back

I actually gave two points back yesterday. I wish I felt like the slide was just a mini skid but the munching devil is showing its ugly head. It doesn't help I am hungry and there are Christmas snacks in the office. I'm at my desk dreaming of the snacks. They aren't even all that interesting but they call my name. I wish that wasn't the case but like other wishes, I know when it comes to food, I will be dreaming of sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies, cake, ice cream, bread, and all the other yummies out there.
Now on to step 2 of the OE pillars. Hope: Believing that a higher power can help you obtain control over your addictions.
Hmm, I certainly hope and wish that a higher power can help me. That said, I do believe that I am in control. People who just say that God is in control and they have no say drive me nuts. Again, that said, I close my eyes and ask Mother Earth, God, Buddha to give me all the strength I need to win this battle. To me it is a battle. And I want to win and a higher power is welcome to help me fight. Because of self-honesty, I can't say this pillar is accomplished. But I certainly hope their is a higher spirit that can fortify my will power.

Talk About Teeter-Totters

Last week I was cruising on all cylinders, right on track and not tempted by much. Fast forward to the weekend and yesterday. I wasn't close to my point allotment. I used the majority of my weekly points over the weekend. Yesterday I got a new set of points, and poof, a majority gone. I have loads and loads of fitness points but you definitely can't exercise poor eating away. I'm living proof of that saying.
I just am starting to think I will never, ever have an easy time of maintaining weight loss.It will be a step forward and then a step backwards. I wish I would make progress to lose what I'd re-gained but I can't say that I am. I think I'm lower than at the beginning of November and in two week and a couple days, I will know if my experiment worked. That said, Christmas will be a mess. I can feel my resolve faltering. Hell, I got a jump start on it this weekend. And I dove straight in yesterday.
Sometimes I just can't stand myself, that I am so weak willed. On the plus side, I know I am not alone in that feeling. All the WW connectors, all the drug addicts, alcoholics, gamblers, know the issue. Addiction, whether food, drugs, alcohol, gambling, heck even shopping, is not possible to eradicate. It must be put in control because the temptation is always there. 
From Overeaters Anonymous:

The 12 steps as defined by Overeaters Anonymous and their corresponding spiritual ideals are as follows:

Honesty: Admitting you are powerless over foodHope: Believing that a higher power can help you obtain control over your addictionFaith: Turning your life over to God or another higher powerCourage: Creating a personal moral inventoryIntegrity: Admitting to God, yourself and others that you have made mistakes and admitting the exact nature of those mistakesWillingness: Being ready to ask God to remove the flaws you found in your personal moral inventoryHumility: Asking God for help in dealing with your flawsSelf-discipline: Making a list of all the people you have hurt and asking them to forgive youLove: Making amends to the people you have hurt except in cases where making amends would hurt them even morePerseverance: Continuing to take personal moral inventories and making changes to your life as neededSpiritual awareness: Working to improve your relationship with God and praying to understand his will for your lifeService: Carrying this message to other people who are addicted to food so they can learn how these principles may change their livesI think it is time to explore these 12 steps. Starting with today, #1, honest. I can and do admit I am powerless with food. It calls me with it's pretty looks, tempting smells, amazing tastes, sizzling sounds and textures. Yes, all 5 senses render me powerless over food. I fight my demons, yet they dog every one of my steps. Tomorrow, I tackle Hope.

Struggles

So I didn't really have a topic in my journal today since I am on track and staying that way. Then I came up with what I am still (probably always will) struggle with. Morning munchies. I don't do well at work in the mornings. Sometimes it feels like I have to have my jaw going on something. My lucky pup has non-caloric chew toys. I should borrow one. Not. I'm better in the afternoon but as soon as I get home from work, I want a couple pretzels or M&Ms. Calorie wise, it isn't many or very many points, but they can add up and I wish I didn't feel the need to find a snack. I'd go fruit or carrots but considering the bathroom effects on an already messed up system, it is a bad choice.
Still struggling with my body image. Eating healthy definitely did an instant boost but nothing past the initial boost.
Moments of my shoulder telling me it isn't fair I can't enjoy holiday goodies. Or that XXX can eat anything and never gain a pound.
As I write these I know that these things will always push to sabotage me. Maybe identifying them will help me ignore the constant devil on my shoulder.

Reflecting on Self-Honesty

So I'm about a month into my vow to be honest with myself, especially in regards to my eating lifestyle, WW. First, has it been tempting to fudge my nibbles? Yes it has. But from my past experience, that leads to guilt and then often emotional eating.  Oh, then more guilt. More nibbles. You get the point. So self-honesty? I've got to say it works. I'm in control of my eating and my thoughts. What a novelty. Yesterday I had a handful of pretzel nuggets I hadn't tracked. My WW message had a rollover of 3 points. I looked at it and said, nope and went back and fixed yesterday's record. There is a certain amount of cleansing with that.
I admit there are days I want to weigh in to check on progress but I am going to make my resolve to wait until Jan. 2nd. Part of is not to let the scale beat me up and another part is using it to keep the holiday tracks on my chosen lifestyle and not leave me cast along side of the road. And thank you to my dermatologist office for not making me weigh in last week. I really didn't want to explain not wanting to know, especially when it wasn't the weigh in time of my day (no clothes, first thing in the morning).
So between the last two paragraphs, there is a hint of my issues -> environment playing mind games. The scale always plays with my mind. "Why bother" "Yay a loss" "I didn't deserve to gain" "If I've gained, then I should just eat and make it enjoyable"./ Any of these self-defeating statements apply??? The other environment is little lies derail me more than a co-worker offering me snacks, a candy dish on the way to the rest room, etc.
So I'm going strong and want to stay that way. Hell, I even told my BFF when she asked about a hooky trip from work to SBux that I just really want to stay on plan and not use Sbux points on my daily allotment. So not only am I being honest with myself, I've started being honest of my needs with my inner circle. When I lost all the weight two years ago, I did it without involving my DH because he worked swing shift and me days. Now he is retired and is the chief cook. In the past week, I have been saying things like "No that doesn't fit in my points budget" or "The sweet potatoes are too big. Do you want to split one or have one and a half?" Actually I had the whole thing since I found a small on in the bag. But the point is that I was standing up for what I need to be successful. Both DH and BFF were totally behind me to help. Who knew that was possible?

TGIF And being On Track

I love Fridays. Actually more than Saturdays because I like the anticipation of weekend. So I have nothing, nada planned for the weekend. I love it. I think I will wrap my Christmas gifts and quilt. And not munch on snacks all weekend. Maybe there will be snow at Crater Lake and we could go snow shoeing. That would be fun!
Blue dot days with WW. The self-honesty pledge has been going well. I remember when I first started WW in desperation reading on Connect someone posting that when you don't track every bite, you are only cheating yourself. I forgot that for a while. I like putting the bites down whether I stay in my points or not. Yesterday I was a point over and I was fine with that. I didn't put a point down for the spice cake bit I had at SBux on Wednesday. Pausing here to correct that...OK one less rollover point. Still a blue dot week!
I found Mrs. Butterworth Sugar Free Syrup on Monday and tried it on a pannacuchen this morning. It was awesome. 1/4 cup for 1 point. So my 1/2 Tbsp was 0 points. YAYAYAY! I tried it the other day in oatmeal and that was great. Same day I found clearance frozen turkeys for $0.68 pound so I bought a couple (and one for $0.98/pound). Tomorrow we're cooking one so yay for low point turkey. Traveling on T-day meant no leftovers and turkey is my very favorite food.
Yay weekend is just around the corner!

Not Quite What I Planned But So Much Better

My plan had been to have a perfect travel long weekend with WW blue dot days. Yeah, that didn't work. Thanksgiving was perfect. I even had 3 points roll over. Then Friday hit with skiing road travel stopped at Donner Summit (1.5 hour drive was 5 hours). The M&Ms were opened. Enough said. Saturday travel was boring and the M&Ms weren't gone. Yay, they still aren't gone so that's ok. Sunday was back on track as a blue dot day. What I did accomplish was leaving 7 weekly points in my app and today is a new week and not one eaten fit point. So I'd give myself a B+. Now a break to Christmas difficulties and then New Years.
Jan. 2 is weigh in day. Its been hard to not search for the scale. But I didn't ask for it back because I am on a quest. The plus side of not weighing and just staying on track is that I will eat foods that give me water weight gain the night before my weigh in day. That freedom is wonderful.
I have been getting the 10K+ steps per day regardless of the stupid ankle. I had an honest self-chat and realized that I would not want surgery (at this point) to fix it so I will keep doing the PT exercises and hope it gets stronger and is just a mild irritant like it was before the latest rolling.
Skiing was scary. So many people on one run. Four runs and done. Can't say I'd want to repeat it but I'm glad we went.
Finding Connect better these days since I realized I was only seeing "trending" posts. New posts are lost and is the reason that I don't get comments. By clicking on the New option, I'm seeing more realistic posts. Not all the golden stars with their perfection. I like it so much more now.