A Shift in My Diet

So nearly two weeks ago my doctor wanted to know the number of calories I was eating. Not the points. The calories. So I dusted off the MyFitnessPal app and logged back in. Recreating favorite foods and recipes is a pain in the tush but I'm not losing on WW so I need to suck it up and recreate everything. So I've lost weight. I'm eating way more points and getting my calories towards 1500 (dr. said 1200 was too low for the step count I keep up). And voila, a little (little is the operative work) weight left. I'm hopeful I won't find it tomorrow. Actually since the switch, I've notice a steady (with occasional blips) decline. So could my dr be on to something that I was in starvation mode? Who knows. Time will let but I've got to say I do like counting calories better because options for 100 calories are more plentiful than on WW.

Vacay Crash and Burn (WW wise)

I have logged all the food from vacay and that took a while. I'm up 2 pounds. Why is it so easy to gain but not to lose? I ate my weeklies but barely snuck by with some fitpoints left. So that means it wasn't horrible. Considering the vacay was downhill skiing and I don't sit in the lodge, it is frustrating. It is ALWAYS frustrating. I'm doing a stupid insurance sponsored program called VLM that this morning said I should have lost 9 pounds not gained weight by now. Well if I had a metabolism I'd be dam skinny by now. But I don't and the best I can do is try. They can take their poorly designed program and shove it. There is so much bad nutrition advice in it that it is worthless. Hell, I only signed up for it for the free scale. I think I will go buy one that doesn't integrate with their system and put their emails on the spam list.Yes, that is a plan.To be honest, WW isn't a lot better when there is a gain. They say "What happened?" They can see the fit points earned and the points eaten and should know there is an issue. Why do programs think that everyone loses with the physics 3500 kcals per pound lost. I know for a fact I didn't eat 7000 kcals to gain two pounds so it isn't just pure physics. Years of yo yo dieting killed the slow metabolism I had and now it is near impossible to lose. Well enough bitching about the programs.
Vacay itself was good on day 1 (not point wise) as it was a road trip and boredom made me reach for the M&Ms. OK, I reached for them but I wouldn't have if I hadn't been bored. But Day 2 was glorious. We arrived at Park City before opening and skied all day long (closing the place down). Then it went to crap on Day 3 and beyond with the exception of day 5 morning doing a dog sledding tour. The weather was high winds and frigid temps (highs in two of about 10 degrees and 25 mph winds makes it sound better than what was happening on the mountain tops). Anyway, where my ski mask and goggles didn't meet resulted in painful welts that are now brown scaly spots. The vacay that just keeps giving. And Kiki puppy is in heat so that is so fun. Well enough bitching about vacay. It is sunny and lovely here at home so that is quite lovely.
I think I should add what I'm thankful for. I am thankful for Kiki and that she's enduring her cycle as best as possible. 9 month old puppies should have to wear underoos but ... About another week and that should stop. If she wasn't a perfect husky with potential amazing genetic test results, I'd have her spayed in a heart beat. But her parent test results are outstanding and I have breeding rights. So I am thankful her cycle is really light and she's such a perfect puppy.
I'm thankful for the sun shining with not a cloud in the sky. Considering my work has done its best to make me angry and frustrated, the shining sun is keeping me sane.
Hm, a third thankful... Let's go with I'm thankful for my health. I'd put down my family, and all, but I've bitched enough about my metabolism and weight that I'm going to be thankful for my health. I skied about 100 miles last week (and not slowly and on bunny hills), I'm in my upper 50's, and I feel good. With the exception of the bicep injury, my joints are in great shape. So yes, I am thankful as hell for that.

Vacay Here I Come.

And I'm guessing overeating failure is also on my horizon. I know myself and I promised to be honest with myself. I'm a day away from being honest with my eating and thoughts for 3 months. That is truly becoming part of me. I wish that not wanting cookies and chocolate would become a part of me but I believe that is just not realistic. I don't care what "experts" say. A habit might be formed in 21 days but I say that a habit can be broken at the drop of a hat when the basic personality of a person lives for foods rather than eats to live. I love food. What I'd give to eat pasta, bread, cookies, brownies, cakes and ice cream to my heart's delight. I suppose there are really horrific ways to do that and I really don't like pain or altering my basic being. So I rarely have my favorite simple carbs. Given the choice of a carrot for a snack versus a fresh chocolate chip cookie, I'd take the cookie hands down. But one is good for me and one isn't. So I tend not to have either. Carrots for a snack just aren't that inviting.So I have my 1 point iced mochas and will sip on one of those when I just can't get the cookie out of my head. Trust me, it really is always in my head.
On the plus side, one of the schools in my district backed fresh brownies as a fund raiser and I walked to the building and bought a pan. I did buy it for our staff (they love munchies and are not overweight like me). I took a small bite size and cherished every moment of chocolate yum. And who'd have guessed but I don't actually want anymore. I tracked my brownie bite but it served its purpose. I had the munchies and it is gone. Good 2 point expenditure. Now would have I preferred a nice normal Starbucks size (LOL as their brownie is the size of a small pan), of course. That is the honest answer. And the honest truth is that the one bite was actually satisfying. Who'd have guessed I would ever think that.
Now back to the vacation plans. I bought LOTS of chicken breasts my DH is marinating and will cook today. Then we're going to chunk it up for car snacks. I LOVE his spicy marinade and that sounds like a great snack.I have a couple Lily fat free dark chocolate bars and mangoes and grapes. So my intentions are good indeed. At least on that front. I also have my dark chocolate M&Ms but thankfully I know how many points they are and an even if I do munch on them for miles, I will track them. I will track EVERYTHING. That is my promise to myself. For once in my 2.5 years as part of WW, I will probably dive into my fitpoints as well as my weeklies. BECAUSE this is not a lie on the beach vacay. It is a week of skiing. Lots and lots of exercise and sore quads after a few days. I hope the two balance themselves out but my expectation is my home scale will be nasty when I get home. If that happens, I'm going to say that is my life. I fight for points perfection and reach it 95% of the time and the scale just hovers in the same 3 pounds. Again, clearly that is my life for now.
But because I'm tracking daily weight, steps, and points, I'm bringing hard data to my doctor in 3 weeks that should hopefully convince him that there is an issue. 2 years ago I was just as diligent for 5 months and lost 45 pounds.So I KNOW that WW worked for me. The only thing that changed was I'm two years older and should have a better metabolism because I added strength training with the aerobics. Anyway, what evolves from that is again, this is my life and I have to accept it.

Frustration Sets In

I. Am. Frustrated.
I think that sums it up. That doesn't mean I'm throwing in the towel or plan to resort to starvation, but it is so irritating that the same pounds come and go no matter how I stick in my points or how many steps I get. I've averaged over 13K steps a day and never dipped into the fitpoints. I did, however, use more of my weeklies that usual, but I didn't use them all.  So GRRRR!
Starting Saturday, I won't be on point but the exercise should be higher. A ski vacation! Yay!!!! Fun and away from work.

An Unbreakable Habit

Family visits equal more points. Visiting my daughter, I was determined to be in points. But no, I was over three days. Ate into my weeklies.Thankfully I'd rolled over enough points last wee to cover the first two days and then I started a new week and got into those weeklies. On the plus side, the last couple days I've been rolling some points over to build the weeklies back up.
On the plus side, I didn't have any chocolate chip cookies while skiing. (Thank God since then the points would have been atrocious). Heavenly makes angelic like cookies and I love to have them on a ski break. But instead I had a Quest protein bar. As good as the cookie? I guess the answer is yes because they fueled the skiing with protein but certainly not as good taste wise. I think the fueling was more important. Next time I want my ski cookie I'm going to think of the choice difference because truly the quest bars were a better choice.
The scale refuses to budge. Nothing new there. Even though I dipped into the weeklies, skiing is a lot of work. We skied 20 miles each day. This morning I resumed my squat routine and my legs are still tired. They weren't sore at any point but they are tired. And I need to find a strength exercise to focus on a different part of the quads because while skiing at the end of the day, there was a part of my leg that was sore. Got out of the skis and it was fine but I need another strength exercise. Oh joy... Have I ever mentioned I don't like strength training?
So this morning was exhausting. 7800 steps (walking and jogging, elliptical and strengthening). So here I sit trying to figure out a way to nap with my eyes open.

A Teeter-Totter

Its been an interesting week. No so much with my diet and exercise, but with the scale. It is a flipping teeter-totter. Up down up down. I looked at it this morning and shook my head. I've been under points most of the week except Wednesday but it was still a blue dot day. Anyway, I am liking my response to whatever number it pulls from the sky because overall, it is not going up and it is a small downward trend. That is good but my reaction and mental health are actually so much better. To me, that is major. I'm not reacting the way I used to.
With the weird week, I had a minor surgery on Tuesday and I didn't use it as a reason to eat. Wednesday I had to travel back over the mountain for work and I did over eat. There were tortilla chips in the Jeep and I ate a bunch of them . They replaced dinner and dessert so the points would be semi-decent. I think the reason I did that was I really had no protein earlier in the day. All carbs. So if that was what made me temporarily not care, I need to keep that in mind.
This weekend will be hard. My expectations of being on track are low. A ski weekend means lots more exercise and exhaustion. I plan to pack protein bars and try to use those. But Heavenly sells amazing chocolate chip cookies. And I have no will power against a chocolate chip cookie. But I'm going to really really try. And then two weeks later a whole ski week in Utah. If I can maintain, I would be happy. Really happy.

Funny How Things Can Turn

So yesterday I had my big decision about munching knowing the 2 point FitJoy wasn't planned in my daily allotment. I'd decided that was good enough. Then the day happens and not only did I make it with my 30 points, I was under by 2 points. I guess the Quest would have been just fine.
my weight is not going down. I have been an angel and it just won't budge. But it isn't going up and maybe that needs to be my new expectation. That I dieted forever going up and down, killing what metabolism I was born with. Since that could be my future, I will just keep not gaining. I can live with that. I'd sure rather lose 20 pounds, but I am okay with not. That DOES NOT mean I'm giving up. It means that if the "losing" weight points on WW is my maintain weigh, then so be it. I know I can't add much more exercise as I'm averaging about 12K steps per day and strength training . So, what I am saying is that I will not beat myself up about it. I can live on WW green plan the rest of my life and be happy. And maybe, hopefully, time will help the metabolism will stabilize and I could start to lose. I just need to change my expectations but not my behavior (following WW and lots of exercise).

Working Here and Have The Munchies

So I'm at my desk, I have my points planned out for the day but I have the munchies. I made a decision. I could eat my Lily Chocolate that is for mid afternoon, have a Quest bar for 4 points, or a FitJoy bar for 2 points. I chose the FitJoy. I made a thoughtful decision that wouldn't break my plan. The Quest bar would have been fine but I wasn't hungry. I was munchie. I'd tried choosing peppermint gum to make it go away but that didn't work. Sipping my coffee isn't helping. I would say the planning in the morning of my points helped make my good decision. Because I could have wandered across the parking lot or even out of my office to find candy or cookies. So I wasn't black and white but allowed myself some gray. And if my points are 2 points over the allotted 30, it is still a blue dot day.
Yesterday's journal helped me make a decision that wasn't nothing or everything. I sure hope I keep doing that in the future.

Expectations

So it dawned on me yesterday that my misguided expectations are causing some of my eating issues. I'd identified that my visiting family needed to have comfort types of food on the holidays. I think part is realistic and part is wrong. Black or white isn't a good idea. I was 100% thinking it has to be comfort (aka fat and calorie filled foods) instead of looking for ways to cut the comfort ingredients for healthier ones. So what does that mean for future visits and holidays? I have no clue because I want to give my family the best. And really butter vs light butter in foods does not taste the same. But it can be good. I just have to make the mental expectation that good is good and healthy which is great. I will try my best to go with the healthier substitutions in the future.
Then there are the expectations I have for myself. I should be perfect. I should have tracked over the holidays. I should have taken minuscule portions of the high fat and calorie foods. I should have I should have I should have. How many of us have said I should have after the holidays and the scale has become and evil monster?
That makes me realize that I need to be better when I go on vacay or holidays. I don't have to be perfect but I need to not throw the baby out with the bathwater. In other words, I need to not throw out all my progress for a week of tasty yum-yums.
So my experiment with not weighing may or may not have been a success or failure because of the yum-yum ingesting. I don't know but I'm not going to try it again for another year (post holidays) because my health insurance is paying for WW and a separate lifestyle program that requires weigh ins. So until that isn't the case, then I will weigh every day (see that black or white mentality creeping in again???). The reason is because I can't play mind games with foods if I weigh daily. In the past, I'd weigh in on a Tuesday and then Tuesday through Friday I'd be more liberal with my points, fiber (adds water weight you know) and salt. Then I cut it all back for a better weigh in. So what did that do for my digestive system??? Threw it out of whack. On a weekly basis. So either no weighing or daily weigh ins. Black and white for me on this issue is the right call. Since I started, I really haven't cared what it says with the fluctuations. On Tuesday I was 2 pounds heavier than Monday but today only half pound heavier than Monday. Yesterday, being up , in the past would have ruined my entire day. But instead, I pushed the scale out of my way and actually had one of my best work days in the last long time. And my new entertainment system components arrived yesterday (because I told DirecTV to trash our subscription while thinking they should just go ___ themselves) and we got all of it to work. The Apple TV (and now Apple TV+), Tablo with USB HD for a DVR with the persnickety stereo receiver. Getting that finicky thing to accept new equipment is a major victory. So last night my fave shows recorded and the Tablo has built in commercial skip. I'm so excited to see how it did!!!!
Can you tell I'm still happy today???? No doubt! My change from retired on June 30th to semi-retired by May is looking like it will be a go with the PTB and that is so excellent. Win for me (don't have to look for a PT job and I get to work from home for the number hours I want to work), my employer (they keep my expertise) and my dept (getting another lower level employee with the balance of what they're currently paying me). Win win win. Such a good day!!!!!!

Off Track but Not Run Over

The holidays were once again evil to my WW goals. But actually it was more the combo of the holidays and having visitors, then travelling. I gave up and went off track. Being honest with myself, I know I enjoyed it, made the choice to go off and then paid the price. So I pick myself back up and try, try again. I've been on track for a week again.
So what is it about visitors that makes me think I should feed them like royalty instead of staying with healthy food? That one I don't know. I have clues, but the true answer I don't know. Some of the clues are the allergies and food dislikes, the holidays, cooking in bulk. Expectation of good meals at mom's house I think it the true answer.
Damn, that is it. The expectation of full yummy meals. Hmm, I need to ponder that one. It reminds me of grad school in the marriage and family counseling class when the professor said that most marriages end in divorce because of expectations. So I failed because of my expectations of what I good host and mom should do. That truly does make sense. I think I will explore this concept more in the future.
So this is why I have a journal.
One side note, a horrible drive with the pups to Reno resulted in two trips to Starbucks for a full yummy frappuccino. Talk about emotional eating. I remember thinking "I deserve it" for all the crap and the shoulder injury. What did one have to do with the other?