Struggled. Cookies are yummy. And evil.

Visitors for the weekend made being "good" hard. I was way better than the last visit but not perfet like when I lost weight on Weight Watchers two years ago. Man, it is hard to believe it was two years ago! Anyway, I would say overall I' am doing better. But I'm not doing as good as I need to. There is a part of me that is ok with just being ok, not perfect. I know I will go off track this coming weekend. Should I be good all week with that knowledge or just continue to to struggle since it is hard to get back on track? I just really don't know.

Yay a day 2

So I'm posting on day 2 of caring. I won't say I was on track either day 1 or 2 but all the food is the tracked and it isn't nearly as bad as the rest of the last month.
Thankfulness: I am thankful for Kiki. She has helped fill the hole in my heart after Kai left me and went to the Rainbox bridge. I miss her so freakin' much. But Kiki, she is a snuggle pup, funny, sweet and a little LS. I swear she channels Kai. I am thankful for my celtic knot finally starting to work. The design it working and tomorrow it will be perfect. I am thankful for Roxie and Maya making me smile at their beauty. Both internal and external. I am so blessed by puppies.

And when everybody else was having dessert I said no to the points and calories. 
WW - I am glad I am still trying and trying and trying. I made my steps and am ready for bed. I will make tomorrow even better. And if I don't, I will track it all.

Wow I am so lost

Apparently 9 years and a month ago I wrote that I had gained 10 pounds back of my 75 pound lost. If only had been vigilante like I said I'd be in that post. If only I didn't gain it all back and lose it again through Phen Fen and then gain it back again. Lost it again through Weight Watchers. Now I've regained about 20 pountds. Who knows since I won't weigh in. I have become a liar to myself.

Thankfully I'm still a WW member but I am not finding connect to be helpful. I'd have thought all the success stories would make me motivated but lately it has the opposite effect. I feel like a loser in the worst sense of the word. I couldn't maintain being successful. Once I reached my goal I wasn't interested anymore. It wasn't new and fun. Now it is old and drudgery.

I am a carb-o-holic, sneak eater, and a liar to myself. Two days ago I started admitting truths to myself. My bras were uncomfortable, I have to get my bigger clothes out, that my obsession with leggings isn't because I need really stretchy clothes. Admission doesn't mean it pushed me back on track. I honestly don't know what will.

I am so unhappy with my job, my body, my thoughts. I can do better but I'm not. I am a lucky person. Really I am. I have the best hubby, have amazing dogs (and dog angels), yet I am bored with who I am. My job ends in 345 days, thank god, devil, angels, whoever. I just hate being here. But then the financial stress will start. What should I do about it?

Apparently eat my worries.

That just can't be my answer anymore. I am a pretty girl who is smart and creative. But I wallow in my weight yo-yos.

I would promise I will be on track but I break my promises to myself these days. I hate liars and I'm lying to myself.

So my promise isn't to be on track but to continue to tell myself the truths. Lying to myself is only hurting me.