At the win or lose stage

I've been on track and living the WW plan for 3 days. This is a point I tend to ease up. Not this time. I really want to lose what I gained. I still see a fatso in the mirror and I want that weight gone. I thought of a chocolate chip cookie and truly, honestly didn't want one. Could it be that I'm making progress? I hope so but I must stay vigilant. The devil on my should is always poking me with its stupid pitch fork.
This morning I went with my losing breakfast of a protein smoothie. OK I know that WW says you have to count the fruits as points in a smoothie because of some halfa$$ reason (time to finish). But since I sip it for hours, it lasts me way longer than a handful of strawberries. My jarrows unflavored whey protein, water and an orange crush (koolaid) with ice make a great snack that lasts all morning. Morning munchies are my downfall.
Being honest with myself and the non-looked at blog 😉, I like this new mindset. Not the why, the how but the truth in my own head. Perhaps I will be strong enough not to be derailed. I say perhaps because I have been derailed so often in the past year, that I know I am weak. But I also know I am not alone in that weakness.

Exercise Isn't Difficult. Not munching is near Impossible Day 3

I admit it. I like exercising. I love movement. Dancing, skiing, walking, exercise videos, biking. It is all good. I average well over 10K steps per day. But I gain weight.
Why?
Because I munch. At work when I'm bored, I want something to put in my mouth. Nearly anything will do. I HATE that!!!!
That said, I am actually still motivated. I'm on day 3 and that is something. There are moments I feel that deep conviction I felt when I lost weight. Do you know that feeling? Knowing deep in your gut that no one and nothing will derail you. I haven't felt that in a long time. I will conquer the weight I regained and get back to where I felt pretty.
Yes, felt pretty. I know that isn't politically correct but I want that feeling. Whether or not I was pretty or whether or not I am pretty now is inconsequential. It is how I feel in my own skin. Right now, I feel like a blob and I know in my head I am not. I wouldn't be so fit if I was a blob. But again, it doesn't matter if it is true or not. It is how I feel. And since feelings are what I eat, that is important. Keep in mind I despise body shamers but I seem to be okay with myself shaming just myself. WW saying I should be my own friend did make an impression as when I am negative about myself, their angel on my shoulder tells me to be nice to myself. But I think when you have chosen self-honesty as your weight loss/maintain motto, self calling a spade a spade is okay. At this point, saying "I am beautiful just as I am" isn't totally true and not totally a lie. It is somewhere in between. I, though, am for self-honesty and I KNOW I am not as beautiful as I was a year ago.

Still honest and pretty much on track

Yesterday when honesty bit me in the butt and I decided to get back on the wagon, I didn't feel really confident I would follow through. But here I am, 24 hours later, following later. I want this again. I don't even want a chocolate chip cookie. There - that is real progress. The candy bowl in my building isn't even looking tasty. I really, really want this. Like I did when I started in July 2017. I am going to make goal again and I am going to stay there!

I want. I can. I will.

Honest in My Brain is Best Policy

Honest in My Brain is Best Policy
How many times have I let the devil on my shoulder con my brain into ignoring the truth. I'm a very honest person except with myself. "Only one bite doesn't need tracking", "I don't care", "It was a half cup" when it was clearly a whole cup, or any of the rest of my self lies. And why do that? Really, why? Who am I hurting by sneaking food here and there?
ME!
And Only Me!
So my policy when I rejoined WW was I would be honest in my head. As honest as I am to everyone else. It is funny that if someone I trust asked me how many points I had this weekend, I would say 66 and 60 (approximately on the tracking because I did it after the fact and I was a munch head through and through). But what do I tell myself? "Well I wasn't too bad". Bull, I was a pig. And I do not care if WW says to be your own best friend. My besties would buy me the cookie and maybe two. So that just doesn't work. I have to face the truth that I have eaten like a pig and work to not do that.
My resolve has been to be honest in my brain and to track whether I like the final number (a subset of being honest to myself).
To be honest with myself and my blog, I am pleased that I am doing that because it is hard to quit if I'm being honest with myself. I do care and I want to stop gaining weight. And next Monday I will be honest with my WW weigh in and actually weigh in.

Struggled. Cookies are yummy. And evil.

Visitors for the weekend made being "good" hard. I was way better than the last visit but not perfet like when I lost weight on Weight Watchers two years ago. Man, it is hard to believe it was two years ago! Anyway, I would say overall I' am doing better. But I'm not doing as good as I need to. There is a part of me that is ok with just being ok, not perfect. I know I will go off track this coming weekend. Should I be good all week with that knowledge or just continue to to struggle since it is hard to get back on track? I just really don't know.

Yay a day 2

So I'm posting on day 2 of caring. I won't say I was on track either day 1 or 2 but all the food is the tracked and it isn't nearly as bad as the rest of the last month.
Thankfulness: I am thankful for Kiki. She has helped fill the hole in my heart after Kai left me and went to the Rainbox bridge. I miss her so freakin' much. But Kiki, she is a snuggle pup, funny, sweet and a little LS. I swear she channels Kai. I am thankful for my celtic knot finally starting to work. The design it working and tomorrow it will be perfect. I am thankful for Roxie and Maya making me smile at their beauty. Both internal and external. I am so blessed by puppies.

And when everybody else was having dessert I said no to the points and calories. 
WW - I am glad I am still trying and trying and trying. I made my steps and am ready for bed. I will make tomorrow even better. And if I don't, I will track it all.

Wow I am so lost

Apparently 9 years and a month ago I wrote that I had gained 10 pounds back of my 75 pound lost. If only had been vigilante like I said I'd be in that post. If only I didn't gain it all back and lose it again through Phen Fen and then gain it back again. Lost it again through Weight Watchers. Now I've regained about 20 pountds. Who knows since I won't weigh in. I have become a liar to myself.

Thankfully I'm still a WW member but I am not finding connect to be helpful. I'd have thought all the success stories would make me motivated but lately it has the opposite effect. I feel like a loser in the worst sense of the word. I couldn't maintain being successful. Once I reached my goal I wasn't interested anymore. It wasn't new and fun. Now it is old and drudgery.

I am a carb-o-holic, sneak eater, and a liar to myself. Two days ago I started admitting truths to myself. My bras were uncomfortable, I have to get my bigger clothes out, that my obsession with leggings isn't because I need really stretchy clothes. Admission doesn't mean it pushed me back on track. I honestly don't know what will.

I am so unhappy with my job, my body, my thoughts. I can do better but I'm not. I am a lucky person. Really I am. I have the best hubby, have amazing dogs (and dog angels), yet I am bored with who I am. My job ends in 345 days, thank god, devil, angels, whoever. I just hate being here. But then the financial stress will start. What should I do about it?

Apparently eat my worries.

That just can't be my answer anymore. I am a pretty girl who is smart and creative. But I wallow in my weight yo-yos.

I would promise I will be on track but I break my promises to myself these days. I hate liars and I'm lying to myself.

So my promise isn't to be on track but to continue to tell myself the truths. Lying to myself is only hurting me.